The Biggest Absence In Life
by Rabbit Of The Aurora
Summary: After the death of Armin and Mikasa, Eren isn't coping well; so he and Levi have a heart to heart.


Eren lethargically looked up at the sound of his quarter's door creaking , he didn't need to see the man to know who it was; Levi. Eren knew it was Levi because every time his door had opened in the past two days he'd been hiding away it had been Levi. Normally Mikasa or Armin might have come to check on him, but that was impossible now that they were...

"Eren?" Levi called out, sighing when glistening eyes broke their gaze in favour of focusing on the wall across the room again. The man swore he could see a patch of stone wearing away where Eren's gaze had constantly been resting. "I brought your lunch, Brat. Don't give me that you're not hungry crap either, because I'm not buying it this time."

Levi made to sit on Eren's bed, the brunette sitting and shifting slightly to make room and adjusting for the tray holding a simple glass of water, an apple that had been cut up into slices and a rather special sandwich; special in the fact that it held a few slices of beef. Everyone had agreed that since Eren hadn't been eating much if anything at all, he needed as much nutrition as they could fit in his small meals.

Without looking up, Eren took a sip of water to moisten his parched throat and picked off a corner of crust, flattening it between his fingers and putting it between his lips; chewing carefully before doing his best to swallow around the lump in his throat that had taken up permanent residence. "I'm," Eren had to clear his throat, his voice horse after having not been used for a while "I'm sorry sir." He looked up at Levi with what the man would describe as the most miserable look he'd ever seen, which was really saying something; and brought up far too many past feelings for his own liking. 

"Eren; don't," Levi shook his head empathetically "I already know, everyone does. Nobody blames you for what happened, and those that do can go fuck themselves," Levi's words were blunt, but held a gentleness to them. He motioned to Eren's plate, silently encouraging him to have some more.

Another silence passed slowly as Eren consumed one and then two more small mouthfuls followed by another sip of water, "I blame me... I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. And instead of being able to get back to training and moving forward I... This isn't even like when my mother died, because everything was different back then, everything changed, but now... It's all exactly the same, except they're not here and how am I supposed to save humanity when I couldn't even save them; when I couldn't even save my family," of course Eren considered Mikasa and Armin his family, not by the water of the womb, but the blood of the covenant they had forged throughout the years.

Levi watched as Eren stuffed his face with a large bite of sandwich, trying to keep back a large sob more than anything else, though tears still made their way easily down his cheeks, "I understand; Eren. We all do; everyone here has lost someone they're close to and granted you've been though more than most, and hold more responsibility than most, it doesn't change that fact."

Eren wiped his eyes, nodding softly "I know, and it makes me feel so selfish for sitting around right now. Levi sir, how do you cope so well? Is it just... does it ever get easier?" Eren knew it was a stupid question, because death could never get easier, but for the first time since they had left for outside the wall, Eren was enjoying the company, talking was making him feel better, and he felt very cared for by Levi, which he would never have expected.

Again Levi motioned to Eren's plate and in turn Eren began eating in earnest, the last time having been the meal he'd shared with Armin and Mikasa, "that's a bit of a loaded question... It gets easier in the sense that you learn to cope better, recover faster from the shock, even put aside your feelings until your mandatory day is done. It's a not a feeling that ever leaves you completely though."

Eren took in Levi's words as he finished up his meal, downing the water last. As Levi spoke, Eren began to notice a weariness in him he had never seen before and had the sudden urge to reach out and embrace him, so Eren did.

Levi didn't push him away, nor did he hug Eren back; he simply placed a hand on top of the boys head in a comforting gesture. "Just remember Eren, you might be a monster; humanities last hope... but first and foremost you're human; that means things will go wrong, you'll need to feel terrible things and you'll need to push through them for the greater good. Which is why you should go run some drills, have a shower for god's sake and rest so you can do it again tomorrow."

Eren tightened his grip on Levi and nodded "Okay, and thank you Sir. For all this and just.. yeah, thanks."

Levi pulled away from Eren and stood with a knowing nod, ready to book it the hell out of there because he fucking hated doing the gentle sappy thing, which he voiced with a stern but slightly playful "tell anyone and I'll make you run laps until your legs fall off; then again once they regenerate."

Eren smiled at that, and even though the gaping void he'd been feeling was just as empty and painful, he knew he would be okay; and he made a promise to himself and Armin and Mikasa and his mother that he would never let these feelings get in the way of training, of fighting, again. From now on when he missed them, and felt their absence in his life to the point it was painful, he would run drills until his body gave out and use the strength gained to wipe out every single titan and achieve a world they all could have been at peace in.


End file.
